Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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