Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
