I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
