just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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