Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
