My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
