You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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