Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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