I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
