What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
