he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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