wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
