so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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