My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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