oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
