Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
