he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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