if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
