Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
