That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
