I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
