Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
