The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Randomize
