So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
