just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
