In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
