No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
