This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Randomize
