I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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