My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Boobs are out for the taking
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
