I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
