i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
