i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Im just a social blackout drinker.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
