so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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