If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
