Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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