like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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