I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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