the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Hippo gnu deer
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
