omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
