I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
