I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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