My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
