I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
