fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
