just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
