I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
