His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
