So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
