We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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