Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
