had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
