she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Congratulations! We have a period
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
